The Journey

My journey getting to this place has been filled with rough terrain, harsh winds, and brutal weather. I often look back and wonder how in the world I got here and then in the next thought, praise God that I'm here instead of there.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the journey that she is on. She is really trying desperately to forgive a person who has betrayed her, hurt her, and lied to her in unfathomable ways. A person that she was supposed to trust and lean on, abandoned her. She is working to forgive him and has found this journey of forgiveness extremely difficult. We've all been there, haven't we? Our stories have different faces and different names, but we've all struggled along the way to forgive someone who has desperately hurt us.

I encouraged this friend to embrace the journey she's on...no matter how difficult, no matter how painful, no matter how silly it might feel....because I believe that in the midst of ANY journey, God has a lot to teach us. Maybe the lesson is less about forgiveness and more about redemption. Maybe God has a story to tell IN and THROUGH us instead of just ABOUT us. Maybe He has so much to teach us about His great love for us AND for the one(s) who have hurt, betrayed, and lied to us. Maybe it's not really about us after all. I also believe that the Spirit can give us eyes to see those who have hurt us in ways that we never could with our human eyes. I experienced this with my biological father, Glenn. My entire life has been filled with extreme pain in regards to Glenn. He had a very troubling childhood and then jumped from one relationship to the other and then had a little baby girl named Melissa, a little baby boy named Donnie, and then me all within a three year time frame. He was a teenage boy trying to find his place in the world and truly didn't have a care in the world because everyone who should have made him feel safe and secure in the world hurt, betrayed, battered, and left him for dead. It is the saddest story I've ever heard....

For most of my life, he has been involved in drugs and while I don't know the extent of the drug use, I do know (from various conversations with him), that it has presented very dangerous and life-threatening situations for him. He has been in and out of jail and in and out of prison my entire life. I have threatened, thrown the Bible at him (heck, I didn't feel I had any other choice...), spoken in my religious, judgmental ways, and ignored him. All I wanted was a daddy to hold me and protect me and call me "his" and all he wanted was another way out, another way to numb the pain he had experienced his entire life, and another woman to make him feel good. I never felt good enough...worthy enough...or beautiful enough to be his daughter.

He never felt good enough....worthy enough...or man enough to be my father.

Around the time my son was born, Glenn had been arrested in the county where I worked. Once again, he proved himself to be a loser in my eyes. I was half ashamed and half intrigued by this man who was constantly in and out of trouble. I went to his court hearing, with baby in womb, and presented a letter to him. The letter indicated that he would have no contact with myself or my child until he got his act together. I told him that I would not allow my son to be susceptible to his life of danger, betrayal, and hurt, and that I was over it. I cannot imagine how this felt to his heart...

Several years later, after a terrible situation in my church and family, I was seeking out answers to questions I had been asking for many years. Along this journey, I asked the Lord to reveal to me His truth about my life. Many lies were exposed and many questions began to be answered. Next was Glenn. I needed to know the answers to my questions and I needed to let him know I was deeply sorry for the pain I had caused and the judgmental attitude I had posed so flamboyantly. I was deeply ashamed by my actions and really sought out the opportunity to get to know my real dad for who he was and not for who I had made him out to be.

Through various circumstances, I eventually stood face to face with the man who had broken me with his brokenness. He was higher than a kite (possibly higher) and could barely look me in the eye. I don't know if it was the drugs or that he couldn't look me in the eye. Was he actually experiencing shame?!? We talked for several hours and he took me in his house and showed me his awards and letters he had received from his last prison stint. From exceptional carpentry work to great attitudes...the box seemed bottomless. This man I never knew was making a difference wherever he went. imagine that!

I remember asking God to allow me to see Glenn through HIS eyes...to understand his brokenness and to treat him like I would any hurting person---with great love, compassion, and sensitivity. I believe God did it and I walked away a changed woman with a hop in my step and an endless smile on my face. Just two weeks later, Glenn was arrested for his involvement in a huge ring of Black Tar Heroine smuggling with the Mexican Mafia. I thought my chances of knowing my dad were OVER. I was devastated...afraid...broken once again....but something beautiful...something sacred happened....just months later....

The late-night talks we had from his hiding spot (yes, he fled from the police and would call me--I was SURE the DEA were surrounding my house each night!) and from his jail cell all paid off when one day, he called me enthusiastically to tell me that God had saved him!!! I remember tears flowing down my face and being speechless. Glenn? Jesus? they know each other?!?

It's all about the journey, friends. Had I not gone through the circumstance with family and friends, the journey of self-discovery might not have occurred---and my relationship with Glenn might not have been restored---and I might never have been ever to share the real Jesus with Glenn---and he might still be headed for hell.

We have to embrace the journey we're on. Find the sacred in it. Find the holy in it. Find God in it because He's got something to show to us...to prove to us...and to give us if we'll only open our eyes and embrace what is before us. We need to lift our eyes up, look to the cross where ultimate betrayal and pain met. I am not alone in this. Neither are you.

God is the God of redemption. My story is continually being redeemed. Glenn's story is redeemed. What about your story?

May the journey you're on, no matter how painful, be a journey that leads you to wholeness in Christ as you focus on Him and His desire for you in this. May you delight in Him even when delighting feels like the last thing you should do. May you fend off the desire for revenge...the desire to throw in the towel...and the desire to run far, far away. There's redemption coming. Embrace the journey.

Life Changing.

Back in 2008, just a few months after losing our home in the flood, I was unable to sleep and was up on the computer just perusing through different online sites. I am a huge (!) fan of Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan and was going on their site to upload the newest podcasts and to browse their site. I came across the retreats tab and became instantly curious in what I was reading. Because I was in youth ministry at the time, it was really difficult for me to openly discuss my 'junk' with anyone from my church (especially in an intimate, retreat setting) for fear that the woman would want me thrown out of my position or would seriously doubt my ability to lead her teen. I was desperately looking for a place that was safe and out of reach from anyone I knew, so I decided to email the contact person for the retreats to inquire on whether or not the retreats were even open to anyone outside of the Mars Hill community. Michelle emailed and told me that they had just opened up their retreats to women outside of their community and she forwarded the information to me regarding them. I was THRILLED. I spoke with my Husband who interrupted me to say, "yes" and to give his full blessing!

The timing of this retreat couldn't have been any more perfect. The way God orchestrated the people who would lead, the fact that I had just lost nearly everything in a devastating flood, was still lamenting the loss of my familial relationships, and trying to figure out who I really was in the midst of my life was proof that He still loved me passionately, loved me deeply, and was interested in me. I have said that the retreat was life-changing and this is no lie. I was able to be heard (I mean really heard) for the first time in my life by people who didn't know me from Adam. I was able to re-tell my story and start from the beginning. I shared stories of shame, pain, and deep regret. I shared without fear of being judged because these women, too, shared their stories of deep pain. God knew what He was doing in this. He knew that this would jump start something in me---a yearning to be free from shame, fear, and guilt--and would save my life with amazing women to share life with, leaders who spoke (and I mean REALLY spoke into my life), who raised my hands like Aaron and Hur raised the hands of a weary Moses, who shook the dirt and grime off of my body and raised me up to walk again, and who proved to me that God's glory reflects and it reflects off of ME. I will never be the same person because of the work God did in me that weekend. I am forever grateful for the amazing group of women God brought to me (and to later find out how it happened boggles my mind!). The bonds that were made with Jami, Kathryn, Lisa, Michelle, and Sue will never be broken and for that I am eternally grateful.

Sometimes we need a safe place to release our junk---sometimes we spend too much time worrying about everyone else instead of tending to our own souls---and sometimes we're so broken down and battered that we don't even know where to begin. Consider finding a place to rest your weary soul. And let me know how I can help!

New Adventure

For the past two years, I believe God has brought me on a very adventurous journey in my life in my pursuit of wholeness in Him. It started with the flood that destroyed my home and many personal belongings...continued with a life-changing retreat in Michigan that rocked my world...the birth of my precious daughter (surprise!...the news that my body is allergic to most of the healthy food I so eagerly enjoy and has continued as I have sought to understand this God who created me, who loves me passionately, and who has promised healing to my broken parts.

It was the realization that wholeness in Christ isn't just a spiritual thing. When you interlink the spiritual, the emotional, AND the physical, you find a whole being. This is the woman I want to be: whole. I want to be whole in Him. Only Him.

I have found myself looking for wholeness in many different things and in many different people. From trying to earn the acceptance and love of my Mother and uninvolved Father to trying to earn the admiration of coaches and fellow players on the softball field to men and men and men and professors and my Husband and whoever else would just pay attention to me for longer than a second. I wanted to be whole back then...but sought out the wrong avenue in which to obtain it. It has been some extreme circumstances in my life that have led me right here to this place and so the journey and all it entails begins here. Now that the realization of the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual have been brought into the light, they will constantly be on my mind and in my heart. They ALL must be pursued, stewed over, picked apart, lived, changed, and shared. How can I begin a journey like this and NOT share it with someone??

Each time I share on this blog, I will note different things about all three aspects of wholeness, hoping to give some insight that I believe the Spirit has shared with me or to me through others. I am excited to begin this journey with you. Those of you who know me and know me well, know that I am about the experience...the journey...the awareness that we never walk these roads alone and that someone is longing to join us.

Please....feel free to walk with me in this...correct me where I'm wrong...stand with me when I stand firm...and praise the Lord God and all He is, all He's doing, and all He will do.