The Journey

My journey getting to this place has been filled with rough terrain, harsh winds, and brutal weather. I often look back and wonder how in the world I got here and then in the next thought, praise God that I'm here instead of there.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the journey that she is on. She is really trying desperately to forgive a person who has betrayed her, hurt her, and lied to her in unfathomable ways. A person that she was supposed to trust and lean on, abandoned her. She is working to forgive him and has found this journey of forgiveness extremely difficult. We've all been there, haven't we? Our stories have different faces and different names, but we've all struggled along the way to forgive someone who has desperately hurt us.

I encouraged this friend to embrace the journey she's on...no matter how difficult, no matter how painful, no matter how silly it might feel....because I believe that in the midst of ANY journey, God has a lot to teach us. Maybe the lesson is less about forgiveness and more about redemption. Maybe God has a story to tell IN and THROUGH us instead of just ABOUT us. Maybe He has so much to teach us about His great love for us AND for the one(s) who have hurt, betrayed, and lied to us. Maybe it's not really about us after all. I also believe that the Spirit can give us eyes to see those who have hurt us in ways that we never could with our human eyes. I experienced this with my biological father, Glenn. My entire life has been filled with extreme pain in regards to Glenn. He had a very troubling childhood and then jumped from one relationship to the other and then had a little baby girl named Melissa, a little baby boy named Donnie, and then me all within a three year time frame. He was a teenage boy trying to find his place in the world and truly didn't have a care in the world because everyone who should have made him feel safe and secure in the world hurt, betrayed, battered, and left him for dead. It is the saddest story I've ever heard....

For most of my life, he has been involved in drugs and while I don't know the extent of the drug use, I do know (from various conversations with him), that it has presented very dangerous and life-threatening situations for him. He has been in and out of jail and in and out of prison my entire life. I have threatened, thrown the Bible at him (heck, I didn't feel I had any other choice...), spoken in my religious, judgmental ways, and ignored him. All I wanted was a daddy to hold me and protect me and call me "his" and all he wanted was another way out, another way to numb the pain he had experienced his entire life, and another woman to make him feel good. I never felt good enough...worthy enough...or beautiful enough to be his daughter.

He never felt good enough....worthy enough...or man enough to be my father.

Around the time my son was born, Glenn had been arrested in the county where I worked. Once again, he proved himself to be a loser in my eyes. I was half ashamed and half intrigued by this man who was constantly in and out of trouble. I went to his court hearing, with baby in womb, and presented a letter to him. The letter indicated that he would have no contact with myself or my child until he got his act together. I told him that I would not allow my son to be susceptible to his life of danger, betrayal, and hurt, and that I was over it. I cannot imagine how this felt to his heart...

Several years later, after a terrible situation in my church and family, I was seeking out answers to questions I had been asking for many years. Along this journey, I asked the Lord to reveal to me His truth about my life. Many lies were exposed and many questions began to be answered. Next was Glenn. I needed to know the answers to my questions and I needed to let him know I was deeply sorry for the pain I had caused and the judgmental attitude I had posed so flamboyantly. I was deeply ashamed by my actions and really sought out the opportunity to get to know my real dad for who he was and not for who I had made him out to be.

Through various circumstances, I eventually stood face to face with the man who had broken me with his brokenness. He was higher than a kite (possibly higher) and could barely look me in the eye. I don't know if it was the drugs or that he couldn't look me in the eye. Was he actually experiencing shame?!? We talked for several hours and he took me in his house and showed me his awards and letters he had received from his last prison stint. From exceptional carpentry work to great attitudes...the box seemed bottomless. This man I never knew was making a difference wherever he went. imagine that!

I remember asking God to allow me to see Glenn through HIS eyes...to understand his brokenness and to treat him like I would any hurting person---with great love, compassion, and sensitivity. I believe God did it and I walked away a changed woman with a hop in my step and an endless smile on my face. Just two weeks later, Glenn was arrested for his involvement in a huge ring of Black Tar Heroine smuggling with the Mexican Mafia. I thought my chances of knowing my dad were OVER. I was devastated...afraid...broken once again....but something beautiful...something sacred happened....just months later....

The late-night talks we had from his hiding spot (yes, he fled from the police and would call me--I was SURE the DEA were surrounding my house each night!) and from his jail cell all paid off when one day, he called me enthusiastically to tell me that God had saved him!!! I remember tears flowing down my face and being speechless. Glenn? Jesus? they know each other?!?

It's all about the journey, friends. Had I not gone through the circumstance with family and friends, the journey of self-discovery might not have occurred---and my relationship with Glenn might not have been restored---and I might never have been ever to share the real Jesus with Glenn---and he might still be headed for hell.

We have to embrace the journey we're on. Find the sacred in it. Find the holy in it. Find God in it because He's got something to show to us...to prove to us...and to give us if we'll only open our eyes and embrace what is before us. We need to lift our eyes up, look to the cross where ultimate betrayal and pain met. I am not alone in this. Neither are you.

God is the God of redemption. My story is continually being redeemed. Glenn's story is redeemed. What about your story?

May the journey you're on, no matter how painful, be a journey that leads you to wholeness in Christ as you focus on Him and His desire for you in this. May you delight in Him even when delighting feels like the last thing you should do. May you fend off the desire for revenge...the desire to throw in the towel...and the desire to run far, far away. There's redemption coming. Embrace the journey.