Fear.

Last year, I told my Husband that I want to be the bravest person I know...I remember really thinking through that...trying to determine what that would actually look like for me.

For me, it would mean facing my fears....addressing the issues that have paralyzed me for so many years...learning to forgive yet set boundaries for relationships in my life...going to someone when I am offended instead of pouting or letting it fester....and learning to speak truth to a person, no matter what their position, status, or relationship to me.

To be honest, at this point in the game, I still am not the bravest person I know.

I goof up every.single.day.

I long to face the demons in my closet...the ones that desire to paralyze me...speak untruths...and tell me that I don't have what it takes in this pursuit of wholeness that I desperately desire.

The truth is: I deal with fear and anxiety on different levels and with different intensities of my life.

Being the woman God has called me to be. Being a wife who honors and represents my husband well. Educating and shepherding my children in a way that is honoring and pleasing to the Lord while giving them experiences that they can share with others. Leading those I lead well. Facing my Mom. Telling the truth in a way that speaks truth without condescension. Loving Donna well. Helping those who desperately need me without feeling used. Being a good representative on Stewart Cooperative's and White River Home Educators Board of Directors. Leading retreats well. Meeting every single expectation of every single person in my life....the list could go on and on, couldn't it?

Many of those who read this blog know that I have faced some very interesting health issues in the past few years. From being diagnosed with Vasodepressor Syncope to Food and Environmental Allergies and Gastrointestinal issues...I felt that once I turned 30, I was falling apart.

I also recently made a connection.




a very important connection, in fact.

On my 30th birthday, I received a letter from a family member who was not pleased with me. From unreasonable accusations and name calling to guilt-tripping and manipulation, this letter served no purpose but to tear down my spirit and hurt me. This has been a cycle in my life since the seventh grade....and has continued in manipulative, passive aggressive ways.

It seems that since that time, I have faced one physical ailment after the other...dealt with different levels of fear and anxiety...and made choices that were made out of insecurity instead of wisdom.

Through this realization, I have determined that I cannot...no WILL NOT....allow this stuff to continue to develop in my life.

So...as I continue on this journey toward wholeness, I will be doing what I can to face the fear and anxiety because I truly believe that these issues are causing physical, emotional, and some spiritual issues that desperately need healing.

I always encourage people in the midst of their journey to savor the moments...no matter how painful...or how beautiful....because one day, when this 'leg' of the journey is over, I want to look back and see where I was...where God took me...and where I am. I believe God has some major overhauling to do in my life...but the cool part is...

I am ready.



I want to be set free.

Thank you Lord for your redeeming power in my life which manifests itself in beautiful, chaotic, and messy ways only to serve the purpose of bringing me to the place where I experience true wholeness in You.